This is the moment. The moment I was afraid of.
When I was wondering if I wanted to do Blaugust again I wasn’t indirectly thinking about this point, but it was probably there subconsciously. I didn’t want to do thins if I wasn’t going to enjoy it. If it felt like a chore. If it felt like I was doing it just for the sake of doing it.
I’ve hit the wall.
It’s not necessarily because of creativity. I do have so much I want to write about. It’s the focus that is the issue for me. I need to be in the right mindset. And I don’t feel like I’ve been in that right mindset recently. I’ve noticed it in my last few posts. I’ve been writing about unengaging things. I’ve been putting those arbitrary time constraints on myself. Like I feel like if I don’t write every day then I’ll stop writing. Like this is getting in the way of other things. Like I feel busy even when I’m not.
It’s a mixture of things in my everyday life as well. Just the general mood and the way that my days have been going. Everything in the background like the environment I’m in, the weather and the people around me.
But looking back to the blogging, I’m getting those uneasy feelings again. I’m trying to do this in a way where I shouldn’t have to care if people are reading or not. But the truth is that I do care. I want to feel like someone is seeing this and taking notice. Yet I don’t want people to see me putting out something I’m not proud of. It turns into this total mess of feelings that I wonder if it’s genuinely worth it.
This is the point where I emotionally packed it in last year. I could see that nobody was watching my videos. I wasn’t proud of them. I could feel I wasn’t getting my sense of accomplishment that I would have liked to have felt had it all gone well.
So I feel like I need to do a reassessment. Do I go back tomorrow and keep going? Because I don’t feel the desire to keep going if I’m not enjoying what I’m doing. It might be beneficial to take a day off perhaps. Or to write something later in the day if I’m feeling more up it.
So until I more in the mood,
Have Fun And Stay Sexy,